Neal, down: Jaundice

After Neal was born and fitted in his size six month t-shirt, he joined me in my hospital room. He was more beat up looking than my daughter had been, but I knew he would smooth out. I felt determined that this time around I would be calmer overall, and not too obsessed with every little thing that might indicate a problem with my child.

So when Neal started to look a little jaundice and the nurse told me to give him more to eat to wash it through, I did so without worrying. I took it with a smile when the first nurse (the formula freak) told me that I needed to push formula down my baby to flush out the jaundice. I took it with a smirk when the second nurse (the breast feeding Nazi), scolded me for having a bottle with formula in it and a pacifier next to Neal, and told me to breast feed more often. I had breast fed my daughter and knew that having a bottle or pacifier wouldn’t hurt anything. My daughter had also been jaundiced so I knew that it would pass, even if they needed to put Neal under the lights as they had Audrey.

Looking back now, I wonder if I was a little TOO relaxed. Jaundice can lead to deafness and problems with eye muscles - both of which Neal has. Although Neal did get over the yellow-tinted skin eventually, he never did have his bilirubin levels tested. I stayed in the hospital with him for two nights in order to have some time to rest before going home. I trusted that since the nurses and doctor never ordered the test, it meant that Neal’s color seemed within the “normal” range of jaundice. However, to this day I see pictures of how yellow-orange Neal looked and second guess myself and them. This will turn out to be one of the first “what ifs” in a long list that I have to contend with regarding Neal.